Keeping promise for better or worse

Senior Moments
Terri Andersen
What does it take to keep a promise like “till death do us part”?
Husband Herb and I recently celebrated our 54th wedding anniversary. When a couple celebrates more than 50 years of marriage, they're often asked what contributed to the longevity of their union. Do outsiders think everything was perfect all the time, the couple was completely in tune with each other and never had a disagreement? Maybe there are such couples somewhere in the world, but none that I know of. A common factor in a marriage is that not long after the honeymoon many couples find they are the complete opposites of each other. A decidedly frugal person could wind up with a big spender (not usually seen as a problem before marriage), or a “neat nik” could wind up with a person who doesn’t think sloppy or disorganized is a sin (think “The Odd Couple” for example). That could be a problem or it could be a way of seeing another person's viewpoint. In our case, there were times when money was the bone of contention in an otherwise happy marriage. Herb sees so many things he wants to buy, without even looking at the price tag, while the first thing I look at is the price tag, and I make sure I check out the “clearance” rack. Obviously I’m the frugal one, most likely choosing an item I have a coupon for in the supermarket. He is the one who thinks nothing of buying the more expensive item, coupon or not (like $4.50 for a half pound of cheese dip). I would have chosen an item that costs less but in this case I gave in and I have to admit the dip was delicious. (We're still learning to accept each other as we are.) Knowing what upsets a partner and what doesn’t, and sincerely making an effort to keep things going as smoothly as possible helps. But no matter how terrific a union seems to be, there are bound to be times when one partner isn't too happy with the other. That feeling usually passes after a while, but trouble comes when no time is allowed for contemplation or forgiveness. Granted, some marriages have more “worse” than “better" in them - like affairs or physical abuse, for example — and staying together may not be an option, but how many couples react on the impulse of hurt feelings and quickly steer toward a divorce without giving themselves time to sort things out? Did a couple who stays married “till death do them part” never even have such thoughts? Guess what? When the money situation looked like a possible problem, the thought of separating crossed my mind a few times in 54 years, but when I asked myself if I’d be better off alone, I knew I couldn't do that to our children. They were so glad we were still together, since the parents of so many of their classmates were divorced. I had to admit that's not what I wanted. I knew Herb and I still loved each other, maybe not with the passion of our younger days, but by the way we care about each other in everyday life. Going to church together every week is another marriage unifier. - By now I know Herb's shortcomings and he knows mine, but managing to find something to laugh about, which happens a lot with us, has always cleared the air. There are times when he thinks I could use a hearing aid and I think he could use one, so the word “what?” pops up a lot, but when one of us repeats what we thought the other one said, we usually burst out laughing. Example: One day I told Herb our son John called to tell us he had a whole week off. Herb's response? “What's a holy cough?” Later Herb told me to give our son Bill a call. I thought he said something about an umbilical cord. (If he didn't try to tell me something when the TV is on or I'm looking for something in the refrigerator, there wouldn't be any problem.) All in all, being married for 54 years and raising five terrific kids who gifted us with five marvelous grandchildren is something we both feel blessed to have experienced.
If anyone wants to know how we really did it, I think the advice my mother gave us on our wedding day was a big help. It was short and sweet. All she said was, “Be kind to each other.”