I think there ought to be an 11th commandment -- "Thou shalt not humiliate.” I’ve seen so many feelings hurt and so many relationships damaged by a violation of that rule that it makes me wonder why more attention isn't given to it. The worst part of it is that often the hurt is not intentional, yet if only people would stop and think before they say something that might humiliate the other, so much pain could be avoided. If only people would put themselves in the other person's shoes and think how they would feel if what they're about to say would be said about them (especially in front of others), maybe they'd see what they're doing. I don't know when we reach that age of self consciousness where what others think of us matters, but it seems to surface somewhere in adolescence, and the taunting by classmates gives us our first taste of humiliation. I’ve even seen teachers who could cut a student down something terrible in front of a whole class and not give it a thought, then it's left for the poor mother to figure out why Susie hates to go to school. And parents are not exempt from the malady of putting down their kids, either, how many times have you seen a mother berate one of her children in public place or in front of his peers and think nothing of it? Yet when someone can't fight back, the wound can cause deep scars and it doesn't surprise me to hear that a lot of the violent crimes committed are in retaliation for pent-up anger or humiliation. Once we pass the adolescent stage and get into the dating years, you'd think we'd be on our best behavior to attract a potential mate, yet from what I've observed, that's when the act of humiliation seems to be practiced most! I've seen young fellas flirt with every girl passing by while they're with a date and never stop to think that it might be humiliating to the girl they're with (especially if they land up flirting with the girl's worst enemy). And the remarks they make to put the girl herself down makes you wonder if they're trying to court her or chase her away. Is that supposed to be macho, or are they fighting within themselves, on the one hand wanting a relationship, yet on the other hand fearful of getting involved and losing their freedom? But then I've seen girls pointing out to their date how terrific some other guy is, presumably to show that the present date isn't all that he could be, and then they wonder why he doesn't call anymore. The worst violators of the “11th commandment”, though, seem to be husbands and wives. In a relationship that's so close, feelings are bound to be closer to the surface and humiliation in that partnership can be devastating. I wonder how many divorces are caused by some cutting words being used once too often, yet it's so easy to start a relationship off on the wrong foot. Putting each other down can so easily become a way of life; it might start off with “only kidding" but then each one has to “get even" with the other and the “kidding" isn't really funny anymore. Everyone likes to have his or her ego boosted, not deflated, so why do people put each other down rather than boost them up? Do we think it takes something away from us to give the other person a boost? Do we fear the other person will feel too good about himself and look down on us if we build him up too much? I remember when I was getting married, my mother's advice to me and my husband was “Be kind to each other", and I think that about sums it up, because if we're kind to each other, we'll think twice before we humiliate.
* Terri the Typesetter
T-Views
Week of October 28, 1984
No comments:
Post a Comment