Expectations

 T’s* View
 I think that most of our hurts and disappointments come from our own expectations of what we think another person should do or say, and most of the time that other person has no idea what our expectations are. We could save ourselves a lot of heartache if we could either let the other person know what we expect or, if we choose not to make that known, at least not blame people for something they're not aware of. Another thing that often causes heartache is the resentment we feel because of what we do for another person who seems ungrateful, while he or she may be totally unaware of what we're actually doing for them (and if they did know, it's just possible that they might not even want you to do what you're doing for them.) While visiting an older couple recently, I spent some time in the kitchen with the wife, who went on and on about how much she does for her husband, who is ailing and can't get around as well as he used to. A little later I sat in the living room with the husband, who went on and on telling me how much he had to do for his wife, now that she's getting on in years and doesn't remember things as well as she used to. As I listened to each of them I couldn't help thinking how sad it was that each one saw only what he or she did for the other but didn't see what the other was doing for them. Just think what a difference it would have made if the husband saw all that the wife was doing for him and the wife saw what her husband was doing for her. The aging and helpless situation itself wouldn't be changed, but wouldn't the love between them be so much greater if they could see how wonderful their spouse is to them. - - It made me realize how most of us tend to see only what we do and not what the other person does. I thought of all the husbands and wives, children and parents, employers and employees, who are so often unaware of what is being done for them. When all they see is what they do, they can't really be blamed for being unappreciative or not knowing what the other person is doing. I mulled over the situation for a while and wondered how it could be remedied but couldn't really come up with a good answer. It seems what we need is some way that we could communicate what we do for someone else without it looking like we were bragging or looking for praise. I tried to get my husband to make a list of things he feels he does for me that I might not be aware of, but he wouldn't buy the idea. (he hates to write.) Then a few days later, when we were discussing one of the kids and how he didn't seem to know what we were doing for him, only what he felt he was doing for us, said husband piped up with, "Maybe we ought to make a list and show it to him." - In any event, what we need is some form of communication to let us know what is expected of us and what is being done. I can't help but feel that it would eliminate a lot of hard feelings and misunderstandings between people. If only we could be more open with each other about our feelings and thoughts, without taking offense too easily, I think we'd be so much better off.
*Terri the Typesetter
 T-Views Week of May 27,1984