Home Improvement

Something EXTRA May 1981 Page 17
Silver Linings
By Terri Andersen
When We think of home improvement, usually the first thing that comes to mind has to do with the physical characteristics of a home-siding, paneling, additions, etc. - There is another facet of home improvement, however, that's often neglected—and that's the quality of life that goes on inside the home.
There are a number of products on the market for improving the externals of a home, but how about some products that might contribute to a smoother-running inner, home life. The products I have in mind haven't been invented yet (at least as far as I know), but with modern technology what it is, I'm sure a little creative ingenuity could put at least some of these items in the home-improvement section of your favorite department store in the near future: —A refrigerator with an inner glass door so kids can hold the outer door open as long as they want while they study the contents of the refrigerator until they decide what it is they want, OR —A computer that shows all items and their positions in the refrigerator. When you put something in, it gets programmed into the computer and all you have to do is push the right button and the food of your choice comes out automatically. - —A doorbell with a hold button (something like those they have now on telephones) so when you're not dressed or the house is a mess, you can put the caller on hold until you make yourself decent or dash around putting the house in order. For all the caller knows, you could have been in the bathroom of busy on the phone, and no one has to be the Wiser. -A door mat that suctions every trace of dirt off shoes before anyone enters the house. —A music blender that takes the music from three separate stereos and combines them in to a listenable sound for those passing in hallways that lead to the inner sanctums where the divergent sounds originate. –A device that keeps children from disappearing the minute a chore appears. —A central vacuum system that pulls crumbs out of the air before they get a chance to reach the floor or sofa. Or better yet, a device that propels children into the kitchen when they wander into the living room or up the stairs with anything that makes crumbs. —That same device could be improved upon a little to operate in such a way that when kids try to leave a trail of coat, hat, gloves, etc. in their wake, the items would spring right back at them until said children deposited the items in their proper places. –An anti-magnetic field to separate siblings who are trying to kill each other for some unpardonable action on the part of one or the other (usually a minor infraction or imagined offense to begin with). —A TV Set that throws a cover-up shadow over females appearing on screen more naked than clothed when your kids are watching a TV show. —For husbands, a bed that eliminates a wife's headache the minute her head hits the pillow. And while we're on that train of thought, how about a decoder that translates what a wife really means when she says “Not tonight, I have a headache.” (She could mean anything from “I’ve had a hard day and am just exhausted,” to “No way, buster, not after what you said to me earlier.”) Another valuable invention for husband-wife use might be a synchronizer that turns on romantic feelings in both partners at the same time, date and place. And last, but not least, how about a love potion that can be sprayed on children, husband, wife, or anyone else residing in the home, to foster only good feelings toward one another and evaporate all feelings of resentment or ill will of any kind.
Okay, scientists and computer programmers, go to it! You should have enough ideas here to invent a houseful of new gadgets for home-life improvements. Just remember me in your patent rights.